True Post-Game For The True Fans!!!!

Are you sick of hearing the same old post-game questions with the same old post-game answers? Reporters asking the safe questions and the athletes supplying the politically correct responses!!! It's getting boring and predictable!!! Fans want to know how the athletes feel after a win or a loss!!! I think people want to know what's going on in their heads!!! People I've spoken to have expressed the same feeling and are frustrated with the way reporters and athletes converse. There have been a few gems that are highlights in the mundane world of post-game conferences...I think Bobby Knight owns most of the spectacular post-game footage...most of the time the questions and answers are typical politically correct nonsense.

I've decided to put together my own version of a post-game news conference. Any similarities to real people or real situations are purely coincidental...and purely for entertainment purposes!!!

Enjoy!!!

Good evening everybody this is Lance P. Mannion with the post-game scoop. I normally cover figure-skating but we were short-staffed so I will attempt to get to the heart of this game. Now, The Philadelphia Flyers just upset one of the big teams in the NHL and I have the coach here to answer a few questions.

REPORTER: How did you feel about getting the win?
COACH: To be honest, I am kind a pissed off. I was hoping to get back home so I could watch "American Idol." Now I have to use my excellent coaching skills to build from this game.

REPORTER: Your team was very animated after the win. Can you talk about that?
COACH: They were just happy as hell that they didn't have to watch "American Idol" with me.

REPORTER: What was the key to the win?
COACH: We scored more points.

REPORTER: Did you do anything different to them for the win?
COACH: Well, I opted for the buffet rather than the continental breakfast.

REPORTER: Your next opponent will present a lot of problems for you. Do you think you have a chance?
COACH: Hell, you're right we've got no shot so we'll probably just skip the game and plan a night out at the local strip joint.

REPORTER: How big is this win for your team?
COACH: Well, it was nice, but not as big as the anticipation of Peter’s Swedish Bean Dip for the next team showing of “American Idol.”

REPORTER: Is this the biggest win of your career?
COACH: Well, in the fourth grade the kids on my street beat the guys from the next block over.

REPORTER: Talk about the shot that went in off the skate of their defenceman.
COACH: That's part of our special teams training. Our guy was open in front of the net, but we wanted a high-percentage shot.

REPORTER: You keep referring to your 'four out - one in' special team. Can you elaborate? COACH: Yeah, we take four guys out of the game and just put one in. It's a good ploy.

REPORTER: You and Coach Doe are great friends. Do you feel bad for him?
COACH: Yeah, I do. As a matter of fact I feel so bad that I am going to tell him that he can play the next game instead of us.

REPORTER: What are you going to do to get ready for the next game?
COACH: We're going to hang out, have a few drinks, maybe get a few movies from Blockbuster or just order pay per view porn. Stuff like that.

REPORTER: What are the negatives about the win?
COACH: Well, my assistant coach is pissed because some woman winked at him during the game, but blew him off afterwards.

REPORTER: Your next opponent is an overwhelming favorite. How can you beat them? COACH: Well, we are going to breakdown film later so why don't you come on over and give us some of your tremendous insight.


Now, the Red Wings have just taken the worst loss of the season and the coach has taken a seat in the press room to answer questions from the media.

REPORTER: How do you feel about the loss?
COACH: I feel just freaking great about it. Now I can get back in time to see the finale of "American Idol."

REPORTER: With about three-minutes remaining you called the refs over. Was there a problem with the clock or were you confused about something else?
COACH: Actually my staff and I had no idea what to do with our final few minutes so I asked the ref if he could get a few members of the distinguished media to coach our team. You people seem to be just overflowing with hockey knowledge.

REPORTER: Their defense seemed to bother you. You couldn’t get any shots from in-close. Can you explain that?
COACH: Great observation, but we weren’t actually trying to hit the net. I told the lads to pick a spot somewhere on the glass and aim for it.

REPORTER: Are you disappointed in your team's effort?
COACH: They are a great group of guys and they worked so hard for me so I am glad that they got their asses kicked today.

REPORTER: What was the key to the loss?
COACH: The other team scored more points.

REPORTER: Your team didn't seem to be as focused tonight. I didn't see that same intensity. They looked like they didn't have their game faces on.
COACH: You're absolutely right. We had them, but we left them back at the hotel. My centreman had a skeleton face, my wingers were both sporting Zorro masks, my defencemen had Abbott & Costello faces and my goalie had a nice Batman mask. Hell, he even had an outstanding cape.

REPORTER: Can you talk about the great contribution from your goalie today?
COACH: He always plays better after a liquid lunch.

REPORTER: Why did you switch from the trap to fire wagon hockey?
COACH: Well, we played fire wagon for the entire game. Glad to see you were watching though.

REPORTER: When your number one centre left the game due to the major penalty, did that hurt your team?
COACH: No, it was great. He sat next to me on the bench and we talked about where we were going to eat after the game. Then he asked my assistant coach about the girl who winked at him. I think he is going to hook up with her.

REPORTER: I thought I heard your assistant coach yelling '4-1 offence' or something like that. Was that the offensive format you wanted?
COACH: No, he was trying to tell that woman that he was in room 41 at the hotel.

REPORTER: Your team didn't seem to have that same sense of urgency that they had in the last game.
COACH: Hell, you're right. I forgot to tell them that if we lose I get fired and they will be coached by you for the rest of the season.

REPORTER: When you were down one with two-seconds left in the game were you looking for an offensive miracle?
COACH: Actually I was looking for the hotdog guy and my assistant coach was looking for that woman.

REPORTER: During the final timeout before the last five minutes you looked angry. Could you talk about that sequence?
COACH: Well, we had turned the puck over on four straight possessions, which all resulted in goals for them so would you have preferred that I was ecstatic? Then you could have asked me why I was smiling. Great question.

REPORTER: What problems did they present for you?
COACH: Probably the fact that they scored more goals.

REPORTER: What were the positives that came out of the loss?
COACH: My assistant coach did hook up with that woman.

REPORTER: What did you say to the team after the game?
COACH: I told them that I was sorry, but that they had to go out and answer stupid questions from the media.